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Fork Hook
Build Your Own Fork Hook In 22 Easy Steps! 1. Visit a large generic DIY Store. as featured in Modern Painters
2. It should ideally be a large industrial shed, filled with a bewildering range of products.
3. Walk past the aisles of paint, miniature candyfloss makers, bags of cement, fireworks and Victorian shower cubicles. Ignore them, however competitively priced, for they play no part in this tale, save as set dressing.
4. Ask an assistant where the garden tools are located.
5. Find them, and select a wooden handled garden fork.
6. Buy it, and drive home.
7. Find your electric drill in the back of a cupboard.
8. Look for the charger. Remove it from a plastic bag, and spend at least 15 minutes untangling it from a charger for the video camera you haven’t used since last Christmas, another for a mobile phone you had three years ago, and some other unidentifiable cables.
9. While your drill is charging, attempt to locate a set of drill bits. This will probably take a while.
10. Also find some long screws. These need to be long enough to go through the handle of the fork and into the wall. So they probably need to be longer than the ones you have at home.
11. Drive back to the DIY store. It’s probably Sunday, and it’s likely that the store closes unexpectedly early. You may find the next instructions will shift forward to the next weekend.
12. Purchase screws – and get some rawl plugs while you are there. And maybe some batteries. You can never have too many batteries.
13. Once you are back home, place your fork on a flat surface. Imagine it rotated 90 degrees, and hanging a coat on it. This thought process is helping you to decide where to drill the holes.
14. Drill two holes through the handle of the fork. The holes need to be big enough to slide the screws through.
15. Choose a wall to fix your soon-to-be coat hook to.
16. Push the screws through the freshly drilled holes in your fork into the surface of the wall. This marks the position you need to drill into the wall and insert the rawl plugs.
17. Once you have done that, you are ready to screw your fork into position.
18. This is a big moment, so pause before you do it. Think ‘I am re-tasking a tool’ to yourself.
19. Fix the fork.
20. Hang your coat up.
21. A few days later, the attitude of your partner to your impressive DIY project should be faint disapproval. He or She should rather have an Eames ‘Hang it All’ coat hook purchased from the Conran Shop for £133.
22. Over time, your Fork Hook will come to symbolise some unnameable hole in your relationship with your partner.
Posted by sam at January 4, 2006 1:50 AM
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